Why Bother? My Unanswered Questions on Self-Awareness
Everytime I read something about longevity, about success, about well-being, about influence, about changing the world I typically find the same variation of the cliche “know yourself”.
When I first started reading it, it made sense. Sure that’s fine, I actually experienced it when I moved into coaching, I improved my self-awareness and started feeling better.
Awesome, that’s good. Know yourself – feel better. Sure
But after I’ve seen it applied EVERYWHERE I started thinking, “what’s going on here?”... This doesn’t make sense, we can't all be that interesting, can we?
And how is there so much to learn about yourself? I mean… Sure… we went through a lot but I got confused. Why was all of this so important to our present actions to the point that we dedicate a lifetime to knowing ourselves… It also kinda sounded egotistical…
So these are the two questions I was left with:
“how can there be so much to uncover about someone we spend a lifetime (pun intended) with?”
“why bother?”
I’ll start by scribbling down my uneducated take on the layers that shape who we are. Maybe it’ll lead somewhere useful.
Genetics
We all get dealt a unique hand—our temperament, preferences, and even how we process emotions are hardwired in ways we can’t control. Think introverts and extroverts and plenty of other characteristics—our default setting.
Life experiences
From childhood interactions to defining moments, our experiences leave deep marks. A random event, like standing up to a school bully, can shape how we handle conflict decades later.
Who we interact with
Cultural norms, societal expectations, peer pressure—these all shape us. Whether it’s family, friends, or colleagues, their narratives about success (like owning that expensive car) inevitably influence ours.
Self-awareness
Including this as a layer feels like cheating, but hear me out. How aware we are of our own patterns and behaviors impacts how we engage with the world. Think of it as the lens through which we see ourselves.
Beliefs
We’re loaded with biases, thought patterns, and core values that influence how we see the world and ourselves. For example, believing "I’m bad at math" or identifying as “an environmentalist” shapes what we pursue and how we act.
Relationships
How others see us—and the feedback they give—affects our understanding of who we are. We’re constantly balancing between holding onto our identity and adapting to external input, which changes with age, environments, and new roles.
Spirituality
Our sense of purpose, whether tied to religion, philosophy, or a general sense of belonging, plays a huge role in shaping who we are and how we navigate life.
Unknown
This one’s tricky. Sometimes, we’re shaped by things we don’t even realize. Therapy often unpacks these hidden influences—irrational fears or desires tied to unexplained reactions to life events. These “unknowns” are part of the mix, whether we like it or not.
My head hurts just thinking about it. Eight layers, all tangled together, shaping who we are. No wonder “knowing yourself” feels like a lifelong project.
But at least now I understand why it’s so hard.
The next question remains: Why bother?
Personal Development
Understanding yourself is the first step towards self-improvement. Being intentional about where you are gives you a solid starting point for where you want to go, both personally and professionally.
Purpose
Understanding your life mission, passions, and what truly drives you is key to finding opportunities that feel meaningful. This could be work-related or something else entirely. Knowing your purpose also helps you push through challenges with greater motivation, as it reminds you of what truly matters and why it’s worth the effort.
Decision Making
Decisions are always multifactorial. Sure, you need the technical knowledge, but you also need to understand how each decision relates to you, your mission, and who you are. Knowing it helps you make more effective decisions. Your gut feelings will become more powerful, as decisions naturally align with your core values. This leads to increased effectiveness and productivity, especially when facing difficult choices.
Emotional Balance
Self-awareness helps you understand how interactions make you feel. When you can identify your emotions and the reasons behind them, it diminishes their long-lasting impact. Shedding light on these feelings almost entirely negates the emotional weight of a scenario, allowing you to regulate your emotions towards a more positive state. This is surely extremely impactful to present yourself with a high level of emotional intelligence.
Adaptability
With all the above, you become more adept at understanding your current reality and recognizing how to leverage your strengths to adapt effectively. Knowing yourself gives you the confidence to use those strengths in ways you hadn’t considered before. This allows you to adapt more efficiently when challenges arise, making you more resilient and flexible.
Presence (Authenticity)
When you truly know yourself, you’re comfortable showing up as your authentic self. This creates more meaningful relationships and fosters value in collaborations. It also encourages others to do the same around you, ultimately contributing to a happier world. (Awesome, right?)
Seems there is a lot on the why! This has been a tremendous learning experience for me…
I’ll try to think about some stories that can illustrate the above.
1 - Workplace stress management
James worked at a fast-paced tech company, where he held a wide range of responsibilities. He constantly pushed himself trying to meet expectations and overcome challenges. The effort was relentless but instead of making progress he would often find himself struggling with each passing day. He was losing his capabilities to deliver more and deliver with quality and reacted by trying to push himself harder.
It wasn’t long before the early signs of burnout—fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and a growing sense of frustration—started to set in. James realized that the harder he tried, the more he was spiraling. He recognized that something had to change. He slowly started implementing boundaries, working on himself and changing the way he approached his work.
This shift allowed James to regain his focus and energy, leading to better results for himself and his team. By recognizing the need for balance and self-awareness, he was able to enhance his effectiveness, achieving more without exhausting himself in the process. This experience taught him that working smarter, not harder, and understanding his own limits, was key to long-term success and well-being.
2 - Navigating Conflicting Feedback
Tom had just finished a major presentation to the senior leadership team. Afterward, he received two kinds of feedback: one praising his innovative ideas and another suggesting that he could have been more concise in his delivery. Initially, Tom felt a sting of defensiveness. However, being someone who had worked on increasing his self-awareness, he was able to recognize that his emotional response came from his desire to be seen as competent and efficient. Instead of brushing off the critique, Tom calmly asked for specific examples of how he could improve. This allowed him to see both the value in his creativity and the areas where he could be more succinct. By processing the feedback thoughtfully, he turned a potential setback into an opportunity for growth.
3 - Improved Relationships Through Emotional Awareness
Sarah always found herself getting defensive when her colleague, Peter, questioned her approach during team meetings. She had no idea why it bothered her so much, but over time, her reactions began to create tension between them. After a self-awareness exercise in coaching, Sarah began to realize that her defensiveness stemmed from past experiences of being criticized harshly in previous jobs. Armed with this insight, Sarah decided to take a step back during future discussions with Peter. Instead of reacting immediately, she would take a moment to breathe and understand the intention behind his words. Gradually, their communication improved, and they developed a more positive, open, and productive working relationship.
4 - Adapting to Change in a New Environment
When Maria moved to Berlin for a new job, she felt a wave of excitement mixed with anxiety. The cultural differences were stark, and for the first few weeks, she found herself feeling isolated. But as someone who had worked on her self-awareness, Maria recognized that she needed to create a sense of balance. She made time to connect with both locals and other expats, while also setting boundaries to ensure she had personal time to recharge. Over the next few months, Maria embraced the challenge of adapting to a new culture, drawing on her self-awareness to stay grounded. She eventually found herself thriving in the city, both in her work and personal life, and became a confident part of her new community.
Any similarity to actual persons is almost entirely coincidental!
I now understand why “know yourself” comes up so often… Glad I wrote this. I’ll now think of how to actually increase your self-awareness and take you with me on my reflection (yay if you are still here!)
Coaching and Therapy
Coaches (that are not focused on giving you advice) and Therapists are trained to ask deep probing questions that can help uncover underlying beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. These conversations can lead to significant personal growth, offering the tools to better understand motivations, blind spots, and areas for development.
Feedback from others
Seeking feedback from colleagues, friends, or mentors is another practical way to improve self-awareness. Sometimes, others can spot patterns in our behavior that we might miss. It’s important to approach feedback with an open mind and a willingness to learn. Regular feedback from others, especially in a professional setting, helps individuals gain insight into how they’re perceived and whether their actions align with their values.
It does hurt sometimes but it is important that you can receive it as a gift and separate what’s useful information for your self-awareness and development.
Journaling
Writing down thoughts and experiences can be a powerful tool for increasing self-awareness. Journaling allows individuals to explore their emotions, thought patterns, and reactions to various situations. Reflecting on both positive and negative experiences helps to build a clearer picture of personal triggers, values, and behaviors. Studies suggest that journaling encourages self-reflection, which is linked to improved emotional intelligence and decision-making.
Personality tests
Taking assessments like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), StrengthsFinder, or the Enneagram can provide useful frameworks for understanding personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses. These tools are helpful for identifying patterns in behavior and preferences, allowing individuals to work with their natural inclinations rather than against them.
Meditation
I left meditation to the end because it still hasn’t clicked for me. There are plenty of studies stating that it increases emotional regulation, reduces stress and improves well-being. I’ll keep trying and hopefully I will eventually reap the benefits.
The Bottom Line (what have I learned on my reflection)
Self-awareness isn’t just about making yourself feel better—it’s a never-ending process that deeply impacts your happiness. There’s no finish line because the number of variables shaping who we are is simply too vast and complex for us to consider that we’ve “figured it out” completely. Our genetics, life experiences, beliefs, relationships, and personal growth all continuously interact and evolve. The layers are constantly shifting and influencing each other, meaning that any attempt to reach a definitive endpoint would miss the point of the journey itself.
What’s truly remarkable is that the process—this ongoing self-discovery—is what fuels our happiness. We find joy not in the certainty of knowing exactly who we are but in the exploration, the learning, and the growth. This tension of discovery—the balance between knowing and not knowing—fuels us. As humans, we thrive when we stretch beyond our limits and question what we know. The more we explore, the more fulfillment we experience.
The truth is, there is no clear "finish line" in this journey. Instead, it’s the ongoing experience of discovery, challenge, and growth that gives our lives meaning. Personal growth—the quest to better understand ourselves and our place in the world—creates a sense of fulfillment that comes from the process itself, not from some static end state. It's not about having everything figured out, but about continually evolving, learning, and adjusting as we move through life.
So I’ll forget the finish line for now… My true happiness comes from the discovery process.
Tiago
Disclaimer:
The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of any organizations or institutions. This content is based on personal experiences and reflections, rather than extensive research or peer-reviewed data. Readers are encouraged to form their own opinions and conduct further research on the topics discussed.